Wow, I never thought I’d be writing in this blog again. And I didn’t actually think I’d say these words. I thought I could leave teaching, leave TFA and never look back. But…I miss teaching. For a month or so I was really depressed – about leaving teaching, Houston and my life. I started my new job and it was fine. But that’s just it. It was a job. Nothing else. I make money. I go to work. I come home. I eat dinner. I see my friends. But I don’t have any exuberant feelings of joy because a student told me they finally “get it,” I don’t cry out of frustration and confusion- but these things made me work harder, I don’t complain to my colleagues and other CMs about the injustice of education or that kid in my 8th period. And though I’m no longer anxious beyond repair, on the phone with my parents every night or exhausted to the point of falling over, I feel like there’s something missing.
I’m back in Oregon and it wasn’t easy moving back and starting a new life. I know I made the right decision to leave the school that I was at in Houston but with the possibility of starting over fresh at a charter school where many of my friends work in Houston and having support and help and a system that at least functions where no one is trying to make me quit… I am seriously considering returning to the classroom. I could finish out my job that I have now in the summer, pay off my parents for moving me home and move back and push the restart button. Is this crazy? I don’t know if I want to be a teacher for the rest of my life but the amount I learned in those 6 months with TFA is more than I ever learned in college or where I work now. I know I am capable of being a good teacher. Maybe not a great teacher. That could take years, as we all know. I will admit, however, that I am not cut out for an abusive administration and students throwing scissors at me.
However, if I were able to get this job at the charter school, I would want to return because I do believe in the fight against educational inequity and it’s something that I am passionate about. I haven’t felt that passion burning inside me since I left Texas. I want it back and I want to work with kids. I’m just being honest that I am not cut out for the roughest of the rough as is outlined in my first entry. But I am willing to work my butt off.
If you have any feedback for me, it would be greatly appreciated. I have to decide by February if I want to accept my emergency release and return in the fall.